Summer Vacation Story Problems

Raise your hand if you’ve had these Mad Girl Math story problems on your test for self-worth:

February 1:  There are three months until my vacation.  I need to lose 25 pounds.  How many pounds must I lose per week to be thin enough to be happy and enjoy my vacation?  Answer: Approximately two pounds per week.

March 1:  There are only two months left until my vacation.  I still need to lose 25 pounds.  How many pounds can I lose per week if I exercise two hours per day and eat only celery, thereby being worthy and happy on my vacation?  Answer:  Approximately three pounds per week.

April 15:  I have only two weeks left until my vacation.  I still need to lose 25 pounds.  I am screwed.  How many Coronas must I drink (substitute “shoes must I buy, cigarettes must I smoke, Peanut M&M’s must I eat”) to make me forget about the fact that I am a loser and unworthy to wear a swim suit?  Answer:  an endless amount.

Many thanks to those of you with your hands in the air.  Please come sit next to me at the table I’m beating my head against.

I have been working on these math problems since January, when we planned our vacation for this summer – a vacation that includes beaches and swimming pools, and by default, swimming suits – with people I know and respect.  People I sometimes deem “greater than” me.  But this week I made the risky decision to throw the test in the trash.  I’ve taken this same test – and failed – before every vacation of my adult life.  (Not to mention class reunions, which I’ve come to believe should be held on Skype, with camera-views from the neck-up.) Even when I pass the test I fail, because when the event is over, I forget what I learned, and put the same 25 pounds right back on.

I am constantly confused by problems where I count the days “until I am happy.”  I’ve decided to be happy now.  In the place of these two story problems, I’ve given myself two short essay assignments per day, plus a bonus activity.  I’ve always been better at English than math, anyway.

1.       Upon opening my eyes each morning I will write down three things for which I am grateful.

2.      Before going to bed each night I will write down three things that went well that day, and what role I played in those things going well.

3.      I will create a “gratitude jar.”  This is a transparent glass jar or vase, next to which I will place a small notepad.  Each time I walk past the jar, I will write one word on a piece of paper – a thing for which I am grateful.  I will fold the paper into a small square, and drop it in the jar.  I will watch the jar fill up day by day, hour by hour, as my heart simultaneously fills with gratitude and gladness.  I will invite my family members and guests at my home to drop paper in the jar, as well -- to share in their gratitude.

I will abandon my quest for perfection with a date-stamp; but I will not abandon my commitment to focusing on my long-term wellness.  I owe it to myself to be well.  So as I mindfully choose fresh, whole foods over things from a box, a bag, a tube, a can or a drive-thru window, I will do so because I am deserving, not because I am unworthy and need to be fixed.  As I walk or run or ride a bicycle, I will do so because I am able, and because doing so will enhance my ability to experience life joyfully, not because I am running out of time to achieve arbitrary goals I believe will bring happiness.  I will look forward to my vacation, and then I will enjoy it.  Because I have earned it.

Is anyone else willing to throw the test in the trash?